I was naive when we were expecting Handsome Boy. From the moment I peed on that stick I just knew there would be a baby ~9 months later. Never really had any fears of what could go wrong until a very frightening delivery.
Each OB appointment was exciting – a chance to see or hear my growing little one. Each test just confirmed what I *knew* – that our little one was as healthy as could be.
Things are different now. Honestly, I don’t think I really believed I was actually preggo when on peed on the first – or second – or third test. By the 4th it started sinking in. But each morning I still checked my underwear for signs of AF. Even after my betas came back great I was still worried. I stressed at each RE appt that the U/S would show something wrong. I freaked out a bit when I was told at my first OB appt at ~10wks that they weren’t doing an U/S b/c I had just had one the week before. I waited so anxiously for my sequential screen U/S, simply to confirm there was still a heartbeat. And I cannot believe I need to wait until 20 weeks to see my precious miracle again.
I don’t think I will ever truly be able to sit back and relax and fully enjoy this pregnancy. My naivety is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I am loving being pregnant – but it’s just not the same – it will never be as carefree. I worry now about all that could go wrong.
I feel out of place when I read birth boards now. I don’t find the same support I did 5 years ago when we were expecting Handsome Boy. I don’t fit into the world of pregnant people who got there without going through IF. I no longer belong in the world of infertility. It’s like I have one step in each place – I just feel different.
I don’t know if everyone who achieves a pregnancy after infertility feels this way – but these are my feelings – and I don’t think I’m alone.