I remember my first Mother’s Day. Handsome Boy was still just a peanut and I still had my innocence regarding all things baby. That day I was over the moon. I looked into his big brown I and saw what I thought would be our future. I watched him grow up in my mind and become a big brother not once, but many times over. At 2, at 4, and at 6.
The next year was more of the same, only by then I was getting excited over thoughts of trying for #2.
Mother’s Day # 3 was different. I had been to my OB after month of TTC on our own and she ran a few tests. She assured me it would just take some time, that everything looked good and to see her again in 3 months if I was not yet pregnant. When those months, I instead started to see an RE. I knew in my gut something was wrong.
Mother’s Day # 4 was spent mostly in tears. I had spent months upon months in treatment, including a HSG, hysteroscopic surgery, 5 rounds of clomid, 2 of those with IUI. I had been unhappy with the practice – a huge, factory like place where I was simply a number – and was about to see an RE at a different practice – a smaller (although still very well known and very successful) practice.
Mother’s Day # 5 brought was once again a day of joy. Yes, I had been through so much that year, including 4 rounds of injectables with IUI, another hysteroscopy, and a few cancelled cycles due to cysts leftover from previous cycles. I had also completed a round a IVF and was pregnant with sweet Little Pea. I was filled with hope for the future, knowing that something had finally worked.
Mother’s Day # 6 was spent cuddling my sweet little one and my big boy, yet on my mind were already thoughts of what to do next.
And now, on Mother’s Day # 7 I will cuddle my precious 2, yet still yearn for more. Despite all the laughter, the fun, the joy, everything good that comes with being a mother, I can never forget what it took for me to be a mother of two, especially this year as we wait to start our FET cycle. I may be a mother, but I still suffer from infertility and always will.